I wanted to write and tell everyone how great the coverage was for the Mayweather-Canelo fight. This is a little off topic, but there was also a major auto race this last weekend as well. A friend invited me to go, and he said it was the biggest race in 10 years. It’s the richest too, he added pointing to the ticket price. I hadn’t been to a race in a long time, so my friend filled me in. Apparently the favored driver was considered to be, “The Best Defensive Driver in The World.” His name is Marvin “Fifty-Five Jive” Juneblizzard. He hasn’t lost a single race because of his amazing skills at blocking other vehicles from passing him, while never driving faster than 55 miles per hour! On the few occasions when another driver has pulled alongside Mr. Fifty-Five, FFJ quickly sped ahead, cut the other driver off, and slowed the race down again. Brilliant! Apparently FFJ goes faster than 55 mph when he has to, but he’s really smart and refuses to drive at speeds that might be risky, though some point out it would make the races more exciting. I have to give his promotion team credit though, FFJ only races once or twice a year, gets paid more than every other race car driver, and each time he promises to go all out and “give racing fans what they want.” His fans always fall for it every time.
There’s a rumor that in two previous races, competing drivers actually did pass FFJ and squeaked ahead of him at the finish line. But the officials declared FFJ the winner anyway since he “Looked better behind the wheel.”
You should have seen FFJ’s fans go mad with joy, thrilled at his defensive moves. They screamed and laughed through the entire race at every brilliant swerve and parry, always swinging his rear end back and forth. All the other drivers could do was gun their engines in frustration. Rivaling the speed of an OJ Simpson SUV, FFJ weaved and zigzagged with masterful skill and ease, preventing even a single car from getting by, until finally he rolled across the finish line just a few comfortable inches ahead of his competition. It was quite a spectacle.
In the post-race interview, FFJ praised himself, “Did you see that, not one driver got past me! I make ‘em all look slow. I’m the best driver ever, period.” The second place finisher just shook his head saying, “I spent months building the fastest car in the world, but apparently racing isn’t about mastering speed, it’s about staying ahead of the other guy. We filed a protest with the officials, but they said FFJ can do whatever he wants as long as he’s in front of me.”
Meanwhile I did notice a lot of fans booing and yelling, “Let’s go! It’s a race, not a parade!” Others looked bored, fanning their faces under the hot sun, glancing at their watches, staring at their smartphones, leaning back in their chairs, dozing as the cars slowly rumbled by lap after lap. Once the race was over, I realized that the stands were never more than half full. As we were leaving, the guy next to me (some grumpy old-school dude) says, “It used to be packed here every week. And even if I couldn’t get a ticket, it was always on television. Believe it or not, these races use to be fun and thrilling because it was not only unpredictable, but the unpredictable often happened. Back then every race was a bunch of heroes going pedal to the metal. Now it’s about who gets the best score in driving school. I pay to see an f’n car race! If I want to watch drivers get frustrated, I’ll stand in line at the DMV. This Mr. 55, or whatever he calls himself, is plenty good sure, but he’s playing games too, and spends half the race on cruise control. Well, he can dance around the track for all I care. But I guarantee you this, put him on a drag strip, and he’d be left in the dust.”