Fool’s Parade

By The Fight Film Collector on September 19, 2013
Fool’s Parade
A Floyd Mayweather fight is like watching the Indianapolis 500 run with a speed limit.

I wanted to write and tell everyone how great the coverage was for the Mayweather-Canelo fight. This is a little off topic, but there was also a major auto race this last weekend as well. A friend invited me to go, and he said it was the biggest race in 10 years. It’s the richest too, he added pointing to the ticket price. I hadn’t been to a race in a long time, so my friend filled me in. Apparently the favored driver was considered to be, “The Best Defensive Driver in The World.” His name is Marvin “Fifty-Five Jive” Juneblizzard. He hasn’t lost a single race because of his amazing skills at blocking other vehicles from passing him, while never driving faster than 55 miles per hour! On the few occasions when another driver has pulled alongside Mr. Fifty-Five, FFJ quickly sped ahead, cut the other driver off, and slowed the race down again. Brilliant! Apparently FFJ goes faster than 55 mph when he has to, but he’s really smart and refuses to drive at speeds that might be risky, though some point out it would make the races more exciting. I have to give his promotion team credit though, FFJ only races once or twice a year, gets paid more than every other race car driver, and each time he promises to go all out and “give racing fans what they want.” His fans always fall for it every time.

There’s a rumor that in two previous races, competing drivers actually did pass FFJ and squeaked ahead of him at the finish line. But the officials declared FFJ the winner anyway since he “Looked better behind the wheel.”

You should have seen FFJ’s fans go mad with joy, thrilled at his defensive moves. They screamed and laughed through the entire race at every brilliant swerve and parry, always swinging his rear end back and forth. All the other drivers could do was gun their engines in frustration. Rivaling the speed of an OJ Simpson SUV, FFJ weaved and zigzagged with masterful skill and ease, preventing even a single car from getting by, until finally he rolled across the finish line just a few comfortable inches ahead of his competition. It was quite a spectacle.

In the post-race interview, FFJ praised himself, “Did you see that, not one driver got past me! I make ‘em all look slow. I’m the best driver ever, period.” The second place finisher just shook his head saying, “I spent months building the fastest car in the world, but apparently racing isn’t about mastering speed, it’s about staying ahead of the other guy. We filed a protest with the officials, but they said FFJ can do whatever he wants as long as he’s in front of me.”

Meanwhile I did notice a lot of fans booing and yelling, “Let’s go! It’s a race, not a parade!” Others looked bored, fanning their faces under the hot sun, glancing at their watches, staring at their smartphones, leaning back in their chairs, dozing as the cars slowly rumbled by lap after lap. Once the race was over, I realized that the stands were never more than half full. As we were leaving, the guy next to me (some grumpy old-school dude) says, “It used to be packed here every week. And even if I couldn’t get a ticket, it was always on television. Believe it or not, these races use to be fun and thrilling because it was not only unpredictable, but the unpredictable often happened. Back then every race was a bunch of heroes going pedal to the metal. Now it’s about who gets the best score in driving school. I pay to see an f’n car race! If I want to watch drivers get frustrated, I’ll stand in line at the DMV. This Mr. 55, or whatever he calls himself, is plenty good sure, but he’s playing games too, and spends half the race on cruise control. Well, he can dance around the track for all I care. But I guarantee you this, put him on a drag strip, and he’d be left in the dust.”

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  1. Alex 08:02am, 09/21/2013

    Cute, but uninformed.  Boxing is not the Hunger Games.  It’s not intended to be a slugfest to death or dementia.  In a market-driven economy where consumers have choices, simply choose to not patronize Mayweather.  Don’t watch his fights if they bore you or if your brand of consumption veers towards blood and gore.  Mayweather sells a version of the “sweet science” that runs diametric to your tastes.  But unlike those products that don’t perform as advertised, with Mayweather, you get what you paid for.  And it’s not 55-miles or less, defensive, paint drying, eyes bleeding, kill me now for the love of God pugilism.  It’s what Patton said in his brilliant soliloquy at the beginning of the movie. No bastard ever wins a war by dying for his country.  You win by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.  He wins and wins and wins by making the other poor dumb bastards fight the sweet science and not MMA.

  2. GlennR 02:40pm, 09/20/2013

    Brilliant FFC….....

  3. limefish 05:02am, 09/20/2013

    What an exceptional narrative simile that is….Bravo! From the last 5 fights he’d have, from Marquez to Ortiz to Canelo were all an excellent descriptions of your story.
    Just wonder why gullible fans still watch his fights and spend their hard earned money on a choreograped event….!
    LUV IT !!!!!.

  4. pikkon 04:58am, 09/20/2013

    ffj ( f*cking floyd jr) would not go beyond 55 cuz he doesn’t want to retire disabled…

  5. rudy 12:38am, 09/20/2013

    mayw’s hands on that pic are like lady’s. and look at those sarcasm at its best. he should have competed with Dancing with the Stars again instead of chicken dance in the ring. Excellent chicken dance in the ring Mr. maywetter !!!

  6. micko 05:55pm, 09/19/2013

    laughtrip! juneblizzard!! hahaha combinaton of month and weather, but anyways this article proves the point, no matter how good you are, if you’re just fighting people which you have an immense advantage, then your just nothing, you didn’t prove anything. you can’t say “i’m the best in the world!” without fighting the best. “put him on a drag strip, and he’d be left in the dust.” best quote ever!!!

  7. Hector Uson 03:50pm, 09/19/2013

    one of the best blogs i’ve read so far

  8. Abraham 03:17pm, 09/19/2013

    Boxing to be exciting must be competitive. Mayweather’s fights were neither competitive nor exciting. They were plain boring. He is just taking the fans for a ride to his one man show to bolster his ego and fatten his wallet. It is not worth the time and money. Mayweather will be the holder of the greatest boring fights ever.

  9. Clarence George 12:03pm, 09/19/2013

    Hmmm, FFC, sounds like Mrs. Gideon from “My Little Chickadee” up to her old tricks.  Can’t imagine why—it’s just a volleyball…that somebody’s holding.  Give it a click when you get home, where I assume you have a less censorious computer system.

  10. The Fight Film Collector 09:46am, 09/19/2013

    Clarence, thanks but our system must be down here at work.  Your link comes up a “Blockpage”.  I can’t image what would trigger that.

  11. Clarence George 09:22am, 09/19/2013

    Hope this compensates you for your disappointment, FFC:

  12. The Fight Film Collector 07:57am, 09/19/2013

    Thanks Clarence!  In fact there was a video of an early Juneblizzard race, but the tape broke after being shown too many times by the network.  Since his races, the results and blessings from the officials are always the same, the network opted to just broadcast the same video over and over rather than cover the live events.  I did offer to post some beach volleyball footage, but Robert never got back to me on that, and my follow up emails are bouncing back for some reason.

  13. Clarence George 04:35am, 09/19/2013

    Amusing, clever, and on-target, FFC, but I bemoan the absence of footage of Mr. Juneblizzard.  I gather it’s difficult to sufficiently reduce the film’s speed to capture his putt-putting around the track.

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