Making Mincemeat in Hamburg

By Joe Masterleo on November 15, 2014
Making Mincemeat in Hamburg
He isn't just another star in the boxing firmament, he’s a constellation. (Frank Augstein)

The difference in talent between Klitschko and the rest of the heavyweights has become one not of degree, but of kind…

Wladimir Klitschko made quick work of Bulgarian Kubrat Pulev Saturday night in Hamburg, Germany, power-punching his way to yet another one-sided victory over an overmatched opponent. This time, the Ukrainian superstar didn’t get it done with his patented telephone-poll jab or piston-like right hand. It was his mighty left-hook that did the damage, knocking the Bulgarian down twice in the first round, causing “The Cobra” to make more overall trips to the canvas than Rembrandt. While this challenger had plenty of pre-fight hiss, he lacked the requisite fangs and venom to effectively offset the speed and agility of Dr. Steelhammer, a dominating heavyweight superstar who has more tools for the job than Home Depot. To his credit, the Bulgarian Olympian did demonstrate an ability to recover from Klitschko’s thunderous hammer blows, until it was lights-out in the fifth round where he lay pancaked, sprawled on the deck unable to raise all but his bloodied head. To his discredit, Pulev may have set the Guinness Book of World Records for rabbit punches in a five-round stretch without a point deduction.   

Truth be told, the difference in talent between the Ukrainian Goliath and the rest of the heavyweight field has become one not of degree, but of kind, to be measured in evolutionary eons or light years. Klitschko isn’t merely another scintillating star in the boxing firmament, he’s a constellation, as in The Big Dipper. Wladimir is to boxing what Secretariat was to thoroughbreds. As a veritable paragon of boxing excellence, Klitschko wasn’t born, he is an experimental mutant, an in vitro bionic specimen who escaped from an Eastern Bloc laboratory to rewrite boxing history. His PhD is in sports medicine, after all, the likely product of his own bionic research project. His nearly decade long reign of terror in the heavyweight division is the second longest, behind only the legendary Joe Louis, who relegated each vanquished opponent to his “bum of the month club.” While Klitschko’s outgunned opponents are far from being bums, they might collectively consider undergoing a mental status exam for high-risk behavior, deemed a danger to themselves merely for stepping into the ring with him.

In a sport that has more titles than the Library of Congress, and more hefty belts than throaty Ethel Merman at Carnegie Hall, Klitschko has unified the heavyweight title in the IBO, IBF, UBO and WBA divisions. That’s what greatness does in any endeavor, unifying all that is divided into one grand harmonic convergence – a singularity. Upon unifying titles across boxing divisions from ABC to XYZ, rumor has it that the multi-talented Ukrainian will soon set his sights on unifying the CIA, FBI and KGB, but only after brokering a media merger among HBO, ABC, CBS, NBC and the BBC. Did I forget any stray letters here? 

As for the Klitschkos, not since the Wright brothers have two male sibs soared higher and farther; not since the Windsors (Harry & William) have two brothers been more regal; and not since Frank and Jesse James have two sidekicks been more notorious. Even Ringling Bros. couldn’t have conjured a two-headed championship circus act like this one. Simply put, Vitali and Wladimir Klitschko have made the lot of their opponents look vanilla, vaudevillian even, like so many bumbling Marx Brothers. While heavyweights may rejoice at their departure, boxing shall not see the likes of them again.

If Russian novelist Dostoevsky was alive today, he’d scrap The Brothers Karamazov in favor of scrawling a more magnificent tome destined to be his greatest classic… “The Brothers Klitschko.” And why not? The Ukrainian National Post Office has recently issued a postage stamp commemorating the immortal pair, announcing that 170,000 will be printed for admiring collectors. After all, in the modern boxing era, it’s the only way I can think of that their iconic images will ever be given a sound “licking.”

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Wladimir Klitschko vs Kubrat Pulev full fight 15.11.2014 / Кличко - Пулев полный бой.

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  1. Critical Beatdown 11:24am, 11/20/2014

    Koolz, incoherent Jewish/Zionist conspiracy theories are just that, incoherent. “But I read it on the internet!” Israel’s Neo-Nazi warmongers???!!! WTF. I’m far from a Zionist but you sound like you’ve been huffing gas at a klan rally. How about lay off the rock and try learning the difference between “your” and “you’re” before you pretend to know something about international politics.

  2. nicolas 12:30pm, 11/17/2014

    KOOLZ: I agree somewhat about your reference to the Klitschko’s on politics, only because I did see on Ytube an interview that Vitali did with some British guy, and Vitali did not come out looking so good in that interview. Though I thought they guys questions regarding David Haye were stupid. As far as Hollywood and Jews rant, I would point out the film Munich by Steven Spielberg. It is a very thoughtful film, and I now the Israeli government had a problem with it.

  3. Eric 11:21am, 11/17/2014

    Koolz…I believe the Klitschkos’ paternal grandmother was Jewish.

  4. Koolz 10:50am, 11/17/2014

    “And this for anyone that wants to know something.  I bring this up because of Course the Champion has to bring politics into the ring after the fight.”  LIke a Hollywood celebrity used for propaganda.

    Wlad Is the Greatest Heavyweight but he is also a moron like his Brother when it comes to world events in his country.  Call for Ukraine Independence?!!!!

    There is no independence of Ukraine, you sold your souls to the IMF, your slaves for life, you will never pay off the debt that will be owed to the IMF, your country will be used to fight Russia and nothing more. 

    What was the first thing uttered from your politics after an Illegal Coup from Jewish Zionists (There will be no Russian Speakers in Ukraine).  That set the East Ukraine to get as far away as possible from Junta Psychos!

    Great Boxer but clueless like his brother sold out to Israel and it’s Neo Nazi warmongers in Ukraine now.  All of them being used for something they don’t understand while they scream out defiance against Russia and
    scream independence, at the same time there creatures ready to kill millions of Eastern Ukrainians to bait Russia so NATO can swoop in.

    It reminds me of Hollywood,  you don’t say anything bad about Israel if you want to work in Hollywood.  you don’t even create film, music, or fashion design that is against Israel.

    Carry on everyone Boxing is exciting and so many amazing Boxers out of Europe!


  5. Kid Blast 07:06pm, 11/16/2014

    Eric, don’t pay any attention to Briggs and he just might go away. He sickens me. He has no money. He has no shame. He is a disgrace. And his large number of first round KO’s is enough to invoke a discharge of bile.

  6. Kid Blast 07:03pm, 11/16/2014

    I have been an unabashed Klit lover sine I don’t know when. Wlad has three lethal weapons. Jab, right, and left hook.  Remember what he did to Eddie Chambers with that hook and to Ray Austin. He seems to get better with time.

    Take the Klits, Lomachenko, GGG, Krusher, and several others, and what you have is something new, something enjoyable, and something fun to watch.

  7. Eric 04:43pm, 11/16/2014

    If Dostoevsky were alive today he could also write a book about Shannon Briggs, and title it, “The Idiot.”

  8. Kevin 04:18pm, 11/16/2014

    Lol @ Ivelin. This was a great read

  9. nicolas 04:07pm, 11/16/2014

    One of the interesting aspects not covered but which is I think indicative of the heavyweight division today is that Wlad’s last nine defenses have been against fighters from nine different countries, which is certainly a record in the heavyweight division, and may even be a record in boxing. His last five defenses have not included an American fighter, second only to Tommy Burns’s title defenses, but in Burn’s case, he fought Bill Squires of Australia three times, and with Klitschko’s next defense most likely not to be against an American born fighter, he should tie the record of six straight non American born fighters fighting for the title. Thirty years ago if you had said something like this would happen, you would have been laughed at, as you would have been to say that of the top four fighters in the Heavyweight division, and light heavyweight division, three of those fighters would have been born in Haiti.

  10. Kid Blast 01:09pm, 11/16/2014

    I totally agree

  11. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 11:37am, 11/16/2014

    Eric-Once again…thanks for paying attention…..which reminds me…. Wlad KOs everyone in that 50 KO club…..and yes….that includes Big George….I have an extreme aversion to P4P lists especially in the Klitschko era and especially ATG lists that finally end up with the usual suspects in the top ten all of which both K Bros could beat to a pulp and yes that includes Ali.

  12. Kid Blast 10:53am, 11/16/2014

    I totally agree.

  13. Eric 09:57am, 11/16/2014

    The Spinks brothers would annihilate the Klitschko brothers. teehee. Only kidding. Wlad is also a member of the heavyweight champs with 50 or more knockouts, not many in that club either. Carnera, Foreman, Charles, Baer, Dempsey, Louis, & Wlad. And Carnera’s knockouts are highly suspect, and a great deal of Charles’s knockouts came at a lower weight.

  14. Ivelin 09:29am, 11/16/2014

    Well, nobody denies that currently Klitschko is better than Pulev. But even amateur like me understands, that this writing is prejudiced against Pulev. So Joe just let off the steam man, anyone see who is your favorite, but Klitschko is not so white and Pulev is not so black as this article tries to suggest.

  15. Pete The Sneak 09:28am, 11/16/2014

    “The Ukrainian National Post Office has recently issued a postage stamp commemorating the immortal pair, announcing that 170,000 will be printed for admiring collectors. After all, in the modern boxing era, it’s the only way I can think of that their iconic images will ever be given a sound “licking.”...LOL…Priceless…Great stuff Joe!...Peace.

  16. Koolz 08:15am, 11/16/2014

    This Write is fantastic!

    One thing that is really amazing about Wlad is he made Pulev look ordinary.  Wlad didn’t even fight like a normal Heavy Weight.  The guy is 38 and I don’t see him stopping anytime soon!

    People look at the division filled with weak opposition and fail to realize that’s only because of the Brother Domination in it! 

    One Ring to Rule them All, One Ring to find them
    and One Ring to Bind them All and ...OH I mean Boxer.

  17. Kurt 06:36am, 11/16/2014

    Joe,  Great article , right on.  Finally!!

  18. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 08:13pm, 11/15/2014

    Finally an article on befitting of what the Klitschkos and especially this sibling has accomplished in this sport without the very predictable caveats and backhanded compliments.