Not so Fast or Furious

By Paul Magno on September 25, 2017
Not so Fast or Furious
Boxing somehow managed to mess this mess of a fight up. (Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

Defending champ Parker was like a North Korean nuclear warhead—capable of a big bang, but lacking any real delivery system…

We may not know what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, but Saturday at the Manchester Arena in Manchester, UK, we learned that absolutely nothing happens when an impotent force meets a scared shit-less object as Joseph Parker “successfully” defended his WBO heavyweight belt against Hughie Fury after twelve dreadful rounds of nothingness.

To be fair to the challenger, Fury, he may have been not so much scared shit-less as obsessively cautious in pursuit of a drama-free WBO heavyweight title victory. And defending champ, Parker, as the impotent force, was more like a North Korean nuclear warhead—capable of a big bang, but lacking any real delivery system.

Whatever the case, the two 20-something heavyweights combined efforts and inefficiencies on Saturday to produce one of the most godawful heavyweight title fights in recent memory.

With Parker lumbering in, swinging at nothing but air—whenever he actually bothered to swing at all, of course—and Fury working WAY outside, flicking out the occasional jab at empty space, the only battle going on during twelve monotonous rounds was an inner battle in the minds of anyone trying to score this fight. Who wins a round where nothing has happened? Is it possible to give nobody ANY of these rounds?

The 115-113 tally for Parker by this writer was as good as any and much more generous than the more accurate and more appropriate 0-0 scorecard that should’ve been issued by each of the three official judges. But boxing, being the sad sack of the sporting world that it is, managed to somehow even mess this mess of a fight up with two silly pro-Parker 118-110 scores from ringside (along with a much more reasonable 114-114 score from the third judge).

Silliness begat silliness, prompting Hughie’s older cousin, Tyson Fury (who has morphed into the spitting image of 80’s WWE wrestling heel, King Kong Bundy) to storm the ring in outrage and for Fury’s promoter Mick Hennessey to issue the most laughable bit of fake outrage since boxing writers vowed to boycott all things Mayweather for being denied press passes to Mayweather-Pacquiao.

“This is corruption at its highest level in boxing,” Hennessy told BBC 5 Live. “I thought it was an absolute masterclass, shades of Ali. Parker wasn’t even in the fight. One of the worst decisions I’ve ever seen.”

Hopefully, the controversy will NOT generate calls for a rematch.

The boxing world will be a lot better off if Parker takes his cement feet back to New Zealand to defend his title against the hobos and Euro gym coaches the WBO loves to shovel towards regional champs holding their “world” titles. And Fury will be infinitely more entertaining with his whiny laments to the media than with anything he can do in the ring at the moment.

Shame on Parker and Fury for making us look back fondly on Klitschko-Ibragimov and yearn for the golden times of the Charles Martin 85-day title reign.

More frightening is the realization that Parker and Fury just may well be the class of the next wave of a supposedly reignited heavyweight division. Beyond Anthony Joshua and his short list of viable challengers (Deontay Wilder, Luis Ortiz, and maybe Alexander Povetkin), the division doesn’t have a whole lot. Bryant Jennings is solid enough and Jarrell Miller is alright. Dillion Whyte, Dereck Chisora, and Lucas Browne are tough guy challengers, but far from legitimate main stage threats.

At some point, Joshua has to fight SOMEBODY and the reality is that most of the above names will likely eliminate themselves from contention within the next year or so. The emerging UK superstar could very well meet and/or exceed all business goals dreamed up for him by his people, but how far can he go without at least a handful of viable, competent challengers? How far could Hulk Hogan have gone without a series of dangerous “bad guy” challenges making his heroic bravado more compelling and, thereby, more marketable?

The boxing world has every right to be excited about Joshua and a heavyweight division that has actually generated some nice action so far in this post-Klitschko era. But how far is a one-man (or even two-man or three-man) division going to take us?

Joseph Parker-Hughie Fury on Saturday gave us a glimpse of heavyweight boxing’s dystopian future and it sure wasn’t pretty.

Anthony Joshua ruling over a class of big-talk, no-hope pretenders is only a slightly jazzier version of the go-nowhere Klitschko years. But it’s clear at this point that the young and talented 20-something nemesis for a front-running Joshua is nowhere to be found at the moment and honestly, isn’t even on the horizon.

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  1. Steven Stahler 06:29pm, 09/26/2017

    Hughie Fury is the worst HW in the history of Boxing. A miserable wretch to watch. I will never watch another one of his fights.

  2. Fan 06:47am, 09/26/2017

    Boxing should try SuperHeavywight (300 pounds)

  3. Korla Pandit 08:41am, 09/25/2017

    Tyson Fury has too much weight to lose….no way he’s going to work it off….too much like hard labor! He needs to get on Weight Watchers and lose that first fifty pounds then get in the gym and melt down the rest of that lard!

  4. Korla Pandit 08:33am, 09/25/2017

    You forgot Joey Dawejko who would KO these two and Lucas Browne into the bargain!

  5. Lucas McCain 07:51am, 09/25/2017

    Sounds like brother imitating brother.  Promoter Warren may be trying to rehabilitate Tyson Fury, but the both of them should open a sporting goods shop and leave the heavyweights to struggle with a farm system, a round-robin, or something, of big guys willing to learn how to press and counterpunch

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