The Fight to End All Fights Forever and Ever and For All Time

By The Fight Film Collector on March 3, 2015
The Fight to End All Fights Forever and Ever and For All Time
Forty lashes on The Bounty? Massage therapy compared to Manuel’s smothering attack.

So conclusive and so final and so epic will this fight be, that once it’s over they’ll simply, once and for all, turn the lights out on boxing forever…

This May, Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao will step into the ring together. It’s been a long five-year wait for the fight to be made. Not long enough as far as I’m concerned. May is almost here. Barely do we have time to absorb and analyze all the remotely possible outcomes, then posting our proclamations in hundreds of forums and blogs. For if anyone understands contemporary boxing politics, it’s Floyd, who knows that championship showdowns where “the best fight the best” are a thing of the past. Baseball’s World Series? Totally Old-school. The Superbowl? Flushed. Stanley Cup? That’s just Stanley’s old jock strap. Title eliminations in boxing have become like modern warfare—endless. Some have said that it’s good of the sport to have one elimination fight after another. And after every possible match has been made between the top five contenders, they simply start all over again. Meanwhile, the division champion(s), elected via secret ballot through a classified Nevada judging authority, sweep through the next lower five ranked boxers in a series of epic history-making mismatches.

Well I say, enough is enough! I’m holding out for the REAL fight. The fight to end all fights. The match that will be the epic of epic epics. The fight to settle all scores, break all money records, TV ratings, and resolve all of life’s mysteries. I’m talking about the clash between Melvin “Triksta” Mayweather and Manuel-Luis “The Iron Pinada” Knucklivitch!

You’ve probably never heard of these two future Hall of Famers. At present, they’re both unknown. At present, they’re both unrated. The fact is, at present, they’re both unborn.

Scheduling a fight 25 years in advance makes perfect sense for boxing today and tomorrow. The first reason is that boxing will have to stay alive at least 25 more years in order to hold the match. And as we’ve seen so many times in boxing, the longer the wait, the more epic the fight. Just think Lewis-Tyson, Leonard-Duran III, Hopkins-Jones II…the list goes on.

So who are these two future warriors? A quarter of a century from now, Melvin will be the gay Afro-Polish grandchild of Boxing Hall of Fame great, Floyd Mayweather Jr. (49-2-1). Manuel-Luis (52-8-6) will be the son of Russian and Mexican immigrants.

Promoters, not waiting another decade, will rush the contracts to the boxer’s future parents. As part of the deal, the parents will agree to a catch-pregnancy of not more than three months apart. In the event that one boxer is born 30 days beyond the 9 month gestation limit, he will forfeit 10 percent of his purse, or about 1.6 Billion dollars.

Melvin’s ever attention-seeking wheelchair-bound grandfather, Floyd, will cash out the remains of his boxing fortune into the training of his grandson. Manuel’s parents, on the other hand, will divorce when the future champion is three years old. His father will leave to work in the fracking fields next to Disneyland Florida. Manuel-Luis, will remain in the custody of his mother. She and Manuel will return to Mexico with mom enlisting as a border guard to help the Mexican government stem the flood of illegal returnees fleeing back from the United States.

So evenly matched are these two future champions, that predicting the outcome of their fight is simply impossible. But no matter, for soon the speculation will begin and billions of dollars will be spent to hype the event! So slick and so skilled are the networks, ad men, writers, sales staff, newscasters, talk show hosts, spin doctors, lawyers, bankers, money launderers, con men and super hookers, that every conscious human on planet Earth will have every brain cell transfixed at fight time. The hype will be so convincing that even Manuel’s grandmother will be considered a credible opponent. In fact, she’ll actually make it into the third round on the undercard.

Experts are being interviewed and production has already started on the 1,813 episodes of “Mayweather-Knucklivitch 24/7”. The boxers will be followed through breast feeding, toilet training, preschool, and kindergarten, elementary and high school. Both will drop out in the 10th grade. Sparring partners will abound in school cafeterias, parking lots, Burger Kings, beer gardens, night clubs and family kitchens. Both boxers will apply intense roadwork over a challenging obstacle course of curbs, lawn chairs, car hoods, sidewalks, tricycles, fences, bushes and garbage cans. Credit for their remarkable endurance will not only go to their trainers, but to the pursuing police officers in the fighter’s home towns of Tijuana and Jacksonville.

Never mind that a generation earlier, Melvin and Manuel would have been in different weight classes. The Klitschko brothers proved that “weight classes don’t matter.” In fact, by the time the Klitschkos retire for good, and prior to their Siberian exile, boxing will abandon weight classes entirely. With the bigger guy winning 99% of the time, judging will be irrelevant, and the plague of bad decisions will finally come to an end.

Melvin the master boxer! Taking after his grandfather, Melvin’s defensive skills will be so good, that his opponents will swing at nothing but air. “If you can’t see it, you can’t hit it, my grandmother use to say to my grandfather” says Melvin. Not only will his opponents be unable to see him, but the judges will never get a clear look either. So convincing will his evasion skills be that Melvin simply stops going to his own fights and stays home to watch them on NSA Sports. It won’t matter that he’s never actually in the ring. The point being, like his grandfather, not getting hit is guaranteed to impress the judges and score points.

And don’t be fooled by Manuel’s spotty record! The losses were all before his implants.  Styles make fights and Manuel’s style of walking into the fire, stalking, crowding, swarming, and absorbing any amount of punishment will be legendary. Manuel will pin and devour his opponents like flies in a spider web. In fact, in prior fights, Manuel stopped his opponents, not by knockout or cuts, but instead by rope burns. Forty lashes on The Bounty will be massage therapy compared to Manuel’s smothering attack.

So, there you have it, my friends. I have no doubt that this fight will be more than worth the 25 years of waiting. It will be so awesomely exciting and intense that you’ll believe you’re actually in the ring with the two fighters. You’ll be like that psycho in the original Dirty Harry movie who hires a thug to beat him up in order to frame Clint Eastwood. That’ll be you, sitting in front of your 5D Mega-Pixel TV screen, feeling every crushing blow that Knucklivitch throws and the gale force wind of fists whooshing past Mayweather’s evasive head. So conclusive and so final and so epic will this fight be, that once it’s over they’ll simply, once and for all, turn the lights out on boxing forever.

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  1. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 09:26pm, 03/05/2015

    Speaking of which…I’d much rather watch Alfalfa and Butch go at it hammer and tong than Floyd /Manny!

  2. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 01:45pm, 03/05/2015

    Floyd has had a much sweeter run than Ali who fought Patterson at the Vegas Convention Center in ‘65 and ten years later he was still fighting at that venue. Ten years into Floyd’s career he started a ten fight run at The MGM Grand and amassed his vast fortune (PPV’d)....May 2 will be the eleventh go round there.

  3. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 09:04pm, 03/04/2015

    “FFC-Great stuff here! ” Melvin simply stops going to his own fights and stays home to watch them on NSA sports. It won’t matter that he’s never actually in the ring.“and “The point being, like his grandfather, not getting hit is guaranteed to impress the judges and score points.” Like grandson Melvin, it has reached the point where Floyd could just phone it in and the Vegas judges would have their cards filled out and ready to turn in….never in the modern era or any other era has out and out avoidance (defense) gotten a fighter (no, not even Ali) more fame and fortune.

  4. Kid Blast 10:59am, 03/04/2015

    “...boxing is also making its return to network TV under the guidance of advisor Al Haymon in a Haymon Boxing effort to jump start interest in the sport via a series of company-funded time buys.

    “NBC will debut the Premier Boxing Champions project this March 7 with a solid primetime double-header of Keith Thurman vs. Robert Guerrero and Adrien Broner vs. John Molina. Time buys on CBS and Spike TV are also part of the Haymon plan, as well as possible additional programs on ESPN and BET.

    “This is, of course, a huge step in the right direction. The idea is to make the sport once again accessible to the fans and showcase a truly good product. Then, make plans for the post Mayweather-Pacquiao era by creating the next mega-star or, better yet, a whole crop of recognizable, marketable faces.”

  5. Mohummad Humza Elahi 05:37am, 03/04/2015

    Boxing meets ‘The Truman Show’.  I don’t doubt that it could happen!

  6. prax 03:16am, 03/04/2015

    E DI WOW!

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