Through the Door or Out the Window

By Clarence George on November 18, 2013
Through the Door or Out the Window
It wasn't Sasquatch, aka Bigfoot. It was former WBA heavyweight champion Nikolay Valuev.

If cryptozoology is good enough for Nikolay Valuev, then it’s perhaps just the ticket for Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney…

“Out you two pixies go, through the door or out the window.”—It’s a Wonderful Life

Imagine my surprise while watching Nat Geo’s Bigfoot: The New Evidence to see the legendary creature not only emerge from a car but wearing a Tony Soprano shirt! I breathed a sigh of relief (well, sort of) upon realizing that the sighting wasn’t of Sasquatch but of former WBA heavyweight champion Nikolay Valuev, the seven-foot, 320-pound “Russian Giant.”

Valuev retired from the ring in 2009, following the loss of his championship to David Haye. He entered politics and was elected to parliament in 2011. In addition to stopping Americans from adopting Russian children, Valuev has taken quite an interest in the creature Russians call Almasty.

An epiphany while watching the National Geographic Channel? Yes! If cryptozoology is good enough for Valuev, then it’s perhaps just the ticket for Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney. Anything to bring to an end their godawful impersonation of Sheridan Whiteside, the man who came to dinner…and stayed.

Lady Macbeth surely had Jones and Toney in mind with her exclamation, “Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once.”

At once, do you hear! A fisherman’s vest, a butterfly net, and away you two pixies go. Not interested in Bigfoot? Not a problem.

Roy, we’re sending you to Dover, Massachusetts, to look into the fascinating case of the Dover Demon, a watermelon-headed…thing with peach-colored skin “like Fred Flintstone in the Sunday comics” sighted by several seemingly reliable witnesses in April 1977. “A true enigma, an animate anomaly,” says the alliterative Loren Coleman, unknown investigator, er, investigator of the unknown.

Start packing, Roy. Ah, nothing like celebrating Thanksgiving in Massachusetts—Plymouth Rock, the lovelorn Myles Standish, Indians and their maize (what benighted white folk call “corn”), turkey, cranberry sauce…the whole nine yards. Yes—praise the Lord and pass the creature DNA samples—your December 3 match with Bobby Gunn has been canceled.

And we haven’t forgotten about you, Jim, you recalcitrant rapscallion. You’re off to see Momo. Who? What? As Jerome Clark, author of Unexplained!, explains:

“The Momo scare was played out in and around Louisiana, a small town (pop. 4,600) in northeastern Missouri. In July 1971, two picnickers in a wooded area north of town reportedly spotted a ‘half-ape and half-man’ with a hideous stench. Stepping out of the thicket, it walked toward them, making a ‘little gurgling sound,’ and they locked themselves inside their car. The creature ate an abandoned peanut butter sandwich and ambled back into the woods. The women reported the incident to the Missouri State Patrol but did not come forward publicly until a year later, and then only after numerous others had reported a similar incident.”

Yes, yes, we’ll supply the peanut butter.

And there’s plenty more where the Dover Demon and Momo came from (wherever that may be): the Flatwoods Monster, the Jersey Devil, the Minnesota Iceman, Mothman, the Tatzelwurm, Thunderbirds…

You two won’t see the inside of a ring again. You’ll be too busy…much, much too busy.

Follow us on Twitter@boxing_com to continue the discussion

Tony Soprano Destroys Liberals, Shows Us The Meaning Of Hard Working Italians - The Sopranos

Russian Boxer Hunts Down Yeti

Valuev vs Haye (last round)

Scientists in Russia Claim to Have Found 'Proof' of Yeti - October 10, 2011 (in Russian)

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  1. Clarence George 05:03am, 01/05/2014

    Apologies, Irish!  It’s not like me to let one of your comments go unanswered, but this one slipped through the cracks, however temporarily.

    Valuev has an interesting face, no doubt, but doesn’t he suffer from acromegaly?  I think Primo Carnera did too.  The disease’s most famous victim was probably memorable B horror actor Rondo Hatton (see link below).

    No much of a Robert Redford fan.  Too damn smug for my liking.

  2. Clarence George 02:23pm, 11/21/2013

    Synchronicity, or the power of the pen?  I just heard that Jones’ fight with Gunn has indeed been canceled.  He will instead be heading to Russia, ostensibly for a match.  Perhaps.  Or will he in fact be joining Valuev in the search for Almasty?  Aha!

  3. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 12:13pm, 11/20/2013

    Clarence George-Actually Valuev is a decent looking chap….have you seen Robert Redford lately….even with that full head of hair, which is a saving grace for a lot of senior gents (check out Michael Buffer) he looks like something the cat drug in.

  4. Clarence George 08:38am, 11/19/2013

    Ha!  Well, Mike, as long as he doesn’t seek to unravel the mystery of Spring-Heeled Jack…I have both Jones and Toney penciled in for that one.

  5. Mike Casey 08:29am, 11/19/2013

    My sources tell me that David Haye will devote the rest of his life to uncovering the true identity of Jack the Ripper once and for all. But David might postpone the project if there’s too much fog about.

  6. Clarence George 06:15am, 11/19/2013

    Thanks very much indeed, Pete.  And your Chupacabra suggestion, along with the concomitant tailoring, is very much on target.

  7. Pete The Sneak 05:57am, 11/19/2013

    LOL…Totally enjoyable read CG…And if the Dover Demon, Momo, the Flatwoods Monster, the Jersey Devil, the Minnesota Iceman, Mothman, the Tatzelwurm and Thunderbirds don’t keep these guys busy enough from entering the ring again, we can always resurrect the Chupacabra for Roy and Toney to go after…Don’t know if they have a Guayabera big enought to fit Toney out in Puerto Rico, but the time spent fitting him for one will take some more valuable time off his boxing clock…Peace.

  8. Clarence George 04:45am, 11/19/2013

    Never cared for her, Irish.  I remember she was in an awful movie with John Wayne and Stewart Granger, “North to Alaska.”  I liked the Pink Panther ones, despite Blake Edwards being one of the worst directors.  In “The Pink Panther,” there’s a scene between David Niven and Claudia Cardinale (whom I also never liked) that’s the epitome of bad directing.  Anyway, I don’t know much about Capucine, except for her affair with William Holden (despite rumors of lesbianism) and her eventual suicide.  The very attractive Romy Schneider is another one who may have killed herself.

  9. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 10:12pm, 11/18/2013

    Clarence George-Walburga!...the very thought makes my blood boil….which reminds me….of Closeau’s wife Simone (Capucine) in The Pink Panther commanding the Inspector’s cuckolder to “prepare” for their tryst.

  10. Clarence George 09:26pm, 11/18/2013

    Glad you enjoyed it, Irish.

    Impossible to call James Bond “Jim,” isn’t it?  But anyone else…  My fear is that if Toney doesn’t quit the ring he’ll be too far gone to answer to any name.

    Your story reminded me of Walburga Oesterreich.  Though married and living with her husband, she kept her lover in the attic for years.  The husband never knew.  The lover, Otto Sanhuber, eventually killed him.

  11. Irish Frankie Crawford Beat Saijo aka Gimpel 09:07pm, 11/18/2013

    Clarence George-It must have been great fun writing this because it was fun reading and right down my alley….couldn’t place “Jim” on my first reading….I doubt if Toney could either..which reminds me….you truly are a talented wordsmith ....l feel that “pixie” works just fine here….not so sure that fairy would. Which reminds me…old fart gets a young Russian bride….she says her male “cousin” comes along as part of the bargain….long story short old fart ends up taking a dirt nap in the back yard….cousins move into the master bedroom….end of story.

  12. Clarence George 08:32pm, 11/18/2013

    Ha!  Thanks, Ted.

  13. Ted 05:54pm, 11/18/2013

    Holy shit! I love it!

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